Tit
for Tat
Ek bar ek adami ek randikhane jata hai aur bolta hai mujhe ek
AIDS wali randi chaaheeye. Dalal pareshan ho jata hai sochta hai!
ki yeh koi chutia hai. Salae bhosadi walye ko AIDS walee randi
chaaheeye. Woo us se bolta hai akhir AIDS wali randi kyoon
chahiye to wo adami bolta hai ki main AIDS walee randi ko main
chodu ga to Mujhe AIDS ho jayega phir main apni biwi ko chodu ga
to use bhi AIDS ho jayega meri biwi ko mera chota bhai chodega
aur use bhi AIDS ho jayega,phir wo apni biwi ko chodega to uski
biwi ko AIDS ho jayega,mere chote bhai ki bibi ko mera bap
chodega,aur use bhi AIDS ho jayega phir wo meri maa ko
chodega,aur meri maa ko bi AIDS ho jayega tab padosi ramlal ko
pata chalega kisi ki maa chodene ka kya
anjam hota hai.
Question to God
Ek bar ek adami
god ke pas jata hai aur phuchta hai
"Hey Bhagwan, tune ladki ki kamar itni patli kyon banai ?
Kya tune rishwat li thi ya tujhe mitti kam pad gaye ?"
to god bole " Na maine rishwat li thi, na mujhe mitti kam
pad gaye thi,
bas, kamer ki miti chchati per laga di."
Kutte
Ka Land
Ek adami ka accident ho jata hai aur emergency mai uska land
katna pad jata hai,aur doctors ko uske replacment mai koote ka
land lagana pad jata hai phir doctor use choddeta hai. Phir kuch
dino baad woo adami phir doctor ke pas aata hai. doctor use se
phuhcta hai ki aapke land ki halat kaisi hai, to adami bolta hai
ki sub kuch thik hai magar bijali
ka pol dekhte hi meri ek tang apne aap hi ooth jati hai.
X-Ray Parrot
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard "yellow,
blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors
perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned
her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to
believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front
of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black,
black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were
astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we
are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them
should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their
agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass
in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a
bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched
on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight,
Straight, Curly!"
Famous
Condoms
lux condoms: filmi sitaron ki
pasand
kelvinator condoms: its the coolest one
bajaj condoms: buland bharat ki buland tasveer
four square condoms: live life king size
videocon condoms: bring home the leader
philips condoms: lets make things better
onida condoms: neighbours envy,owners pride
pepsi condoms: yehi hai right choice baby ....aaaha
thums up condoms: taste the thunder - yuck
coca-cola condoms: eat condom, sleep condom wear only coca-cola
ariel condoms: dhundate rahe jaogaye - u mean the condoms???????
rotomac condoms: sab kuch dikhta hai>
wills condoms: made for each other
servo condoms: add servo,add life
ceat condoms: born tough
amul condom: a gift for someone you love
bpl condoms: believe in the best
siemens condoms: communication unlimited
visa condoms: go get it
bagpiper condoms: khub jamegi masti jab mil baitenge theen
yaar,....mein, aap... aur bagpiper condom
polo condoms: a condom with a hole
colgate condoms: maa-maa mere condom mey ched hai,ched nahi beta
yeh sadan hai
ajanta condoms: pappa ka, mamma ka, bhaiya ka, didi ka aur ajanta
condom mera
nokia condoms: connecting people
ibm condoms: solutions for a small planet
novell condoms: everything is connected
tata sierra condoms: takes the rough with the smooth....
cococare condoms: mere nani ki nani bhi yahi istemal karti thi
tcs condoms: tata condoms services
cinthol condoms: i use cinthol... , do you ?
fevicol condoms: fevicol ... aise jod lagaye , acchesey accha na
thode paye - dangerous
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Driving Rules In India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick
and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I
am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to
every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle
is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma
where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left
of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the
right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying
the next available gap, as in chess.
1. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and
proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality.
2. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the
intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers
are not in any better position.
3. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool
wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being
bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to
cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead
stop because some minister is in town.
Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not
talk ill of the dead.
4. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration,
romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a
dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
5. Keep informative books in the glove compartment You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's
motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when
overground traffic meets underground drainage.
6. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating
experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In
a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not
know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature
dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed
record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field
adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not
have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights
expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the
driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last
stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a
naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are
licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam
of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super
motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,
usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get
too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During
the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers
will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent
signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe
that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his
hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be
construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an
expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you
might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and
weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans.These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting
with success.
Unique to Indian traffic: Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile,
this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This
triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and
packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the
periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their
school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no
permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged
half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to
school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in
the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and
travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too
rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle
of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles
instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the
tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours,
there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off
other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the
overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension.
As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of
passenger), no questions are ever asked.Steer clear of these
buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street
These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their
otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and
proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that
you cannot proceed in two directions at once.So drive as you
like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This
mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that
residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the
corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for
year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your
lessons between 8 PM and 11 am-when the police have gone home.The
citizen then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in
our constitution.
*** Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate
and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries!!?
Divorce
A man appears before a judge one
day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers
and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story
house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is
the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the
month."
Birbal v/s Taansen
Birbal aur Tansen mein badi
kaampteesan raha kartee thi. Ek bolta tha ki "aye Bhaand,
Badshah ko chootia banana koi tujh se seekhe. Kaam dhaam hain
nahin, gaane gaate gaate saala nav ratan ban gaya!" Doosra
kehta "Abe bhaduwe, tu to kuch bhi faltoo bolta hai. Chiknee
Chupri baaten karta hai aur badshah ka man jeet jata hai. Saala
phokat ka nav ratan!
Ek din guasse mein Tansen kehta hai ki "ab phaisla ho hi
jaye kee kaun zyada teesmarkhan hai. Main shart lagata hoon ki
main Jodha Bai ka mamma choos sakta hoon."
Birbal ki has has ke gaand phut gayee. Kehtea hai ki 'Agar toone
aisa kar diya to main agle din bhari darbar mein nangaa aoonga!'
LAG GAI SHART
Tansen gaya bazar sapere ke paas. Kehta hai 'Bhai, mujhe ek
sapola chahiye...untrained aur bina zeher ke'. Ghar pe usko
training dene laga. Ek aadmi ka putla banake sapole ko kehta hai
"SAPPU, uski taang par kaat' to Sappu putla ke taange par
das leta hai. Aise hei training karte karte sappu Tansen ke
ishare par haath, galaetc. ko dasna seekh jaata hai. Sappu ab
taiyaar tha apne big day ke liye.
Ab baat aise thi ke Akbar aur Jodha bhai har subhe sair per jatey
the. Agle din subhah, Tansen bhi wahan chupchap gaya, aur ja
ghuse jhadiyon mein. Jahanpana aur Begum ko aate dhek kar Sappu
ko zeemen par chhod diya. Aur ishara karte, mammon ki tharaf,
usey kaheta hai,"ja Sappu dikha Jalwa".
Sappu phat se Begum ke taang per chard gaya, Chuut ko par karte
huey, seedha ja puncha mammon per. Aur das liya 'Nipple' per.
Akbar to paagal ho giya, Bacho bachao chillane laga. Itne main
Tansen nikla aur bola "Maire pas iska elaaj hai lekin aap
meri gardan kat leinge." Akbar ne kaha tu kuch bhi kar leken
meri Begum ko bacha.
Phir kya thaa. Tansen mazey se choosne laga.
Birbal ne baat sunee aur uske gaand phat gaye. "Bhenchod,
kal to lut gayee izzat." Usne bara soocha ...bal khujaye,
daari bhi. Leiken no idea. Gaandh khujlayee to uchhalta hua idea
aaya.
Agle subah Tansen bahut khush tha yeh soch ke ki Birbal ke chhake
choote rahey honge. Yes NANNGA . Akbar usko itna marega ke sari
umar Birbal tatti nahi kar payega.
Next day, hai hai chillate huey, Birbal darbar mein aa pahuncha.
Akbar kee maa chud gayee. Usne gusse se kaha "Birbal, ye ka
mazak hai".
Birbal bola "Hai, main mar gaya! Aare mere lunde per saap ne
das liya."
Akbar Tansen ko bola "Tansen, jaldi-- choos Birbal ka lauda
-nikal de sara zehar'!!!!!!
Lawyer in Heaven --- Naw!
A stingy old lawyer who had been
diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up
in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases
stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew
he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Matrimonial
Ads
DOCTOR
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me
desirous of marriage.I'm looking for a girl who is patient and
has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and
keeps away from all sins be it anasin,metasin or crosin.I promise
to be a good doctor with no side effects.Apply
or reply.
LAWYER;
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the
post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for
should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a
girl.The girl should be
willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord
i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be
sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
BEGGAR;
Allah ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de,
Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de,
Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega,
Hillery hogi to Monika bhi dega
BOATMAN;
Must be able to dig, clean cook worms and clean fish. Must have
own boat with motor. Plaese send the phogograph of motorboat.
BANKER;
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her
service.
SHAYER;
Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jagi hai,
Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye,
Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi,
To yaroo ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.
BEVDA;
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda
factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when
friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week.Girl
preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or
send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
CAR MECHANIC;
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be
above average and must run the household at a good average. Dent
wont be tolerated especially in the head gear.
Pesimist;
Why do marriage and mirage rhyme? Because both of them are
misleading.
Brand Equity
Want to propose to a girl - Just
do it.(Nike)
Before going to propose to a girl - Believe in the best(BPL)
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl - Vicks kigoli
lo kich kich door karo(Vicks)
If you are going to propose to a girl, chances are
-50-50(Britannia)
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her - Take it
easy(Limca)
Those who succeed in love always say - We dream because we
do(Daewoo)
If some one wants to write a love letter to his friend-likho
script apna apna (Rotomac)
If you love someone - Go get it (visa power)
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl - Neighbors envy
owner'spride-(Onida)
Not satisfied with your dates - Yeh dil mangey more (Pepsi)
A guy having a number of girl friends - Complete Man(Raymonds)
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends - yeh hai hamara
suraksha chakra(Colgate)
For those lost in love - Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera
(Bagpiper)
$500
An old man was on the beach and
walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel
your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you
crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your
breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED
DOLLARS" he says. "NO! Get away from me""TWO
HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but
then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts"
he says. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless
enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on
the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...
and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she
asks him, "Why do you keep
saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"While continuing to feel her
breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
The Fly
There was a fly flying 6 inches
above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd
get it!!!"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the
fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"
A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would
jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the
bear"
A mouse thinks.."If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would
jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to
get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"
A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would
jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to
get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that
mouse!!!"
Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got
the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the
mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and
fell in the water!!!!!
The Moral Of This Story Is..................
"Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet!!!"
Coke
Ek ladki COKE pi rahi hai. A fly
is found in her coke. When she removes the fly it gives birth to
a baby fly and it dies. Now jab woh baby fly aakhen kholti hai to
ladki ko dekhke bolti hai " MAA!!!!"
To wo ladki bolti hai,mein teri maa nahi hoon phir tune mujhye
maa kyun kaha?
"kyunke meine tumhare COKE se janam liya hai!!
Indian Balance
God was in the process of creating
the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates ...
"Look everything should be
in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here
my fellow angels,here is the country of the united states. I
have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time
I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here
is Africa.I have given them beautiful nature.But at the same
time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south
America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time
, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut
off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in
balance".
One of the angels asked..."God, what is this beautiful
country here?"
God said "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all.... INDIA.
My most precious creation. They have understanding and friendly
people. Sparkling streams,serene mountains. A culture which
speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically
brilliant and with a heart of gold."
The angel was quite surprised "But god you said everything
should be in balance."
God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!
Percentage
An Indian politician went to the
US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home
for dinner, the minister was
very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly
furnishings.
He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's
salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The
Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came
to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the
minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of
servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian
Rupees", he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!
Sher-O-Shairy
Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili
aankhon main dub jaoon
Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon
Splash !
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel?
So? What's the big deal?
Dharti so rahi hai,
Aasman so raha hai
Dharti so rahi hai,
Aasman so raha hai
Nonsense! yeh sab kya ho raha hai?
Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar
Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar
Flutter Flutter, Flutter Flutter
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya... to bheeg gaya.
Door se dekha to sher tha
Door se dekha to sher tha
Is liye paas gaya hi nahi.
Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao,
Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao,
Melody khao khud jaan jao.
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan
Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita
Tan ki shakti, man ki shakti, Bournvita
Facts Of Life......
#1 Maut aur tatti, kabhi bhi aa
sakti hain.
#2 Saamp aur chut, jahaan bhi milen maar do.
#3 Zindagi aur jhaant uljhe hue hain, use suljhane ki koshish mat
karna.
#4 Samay aur chutiya, sab ka kat ta hain.
#5 Achi piyo kharab piyo, jab bhi piyo sharaab piyo.
#6 Paani aur land, apna rasta khud doondhte hain.
#7 Beewi aur gaadi, doosre ko doge to chud kar hi wapas ayenge.
#8 Sardar aur suwar ke bachche, chote hi achche lagte hain.
#9 Doodh aur gaand, jab phatthe hain to aawaaz nahi aati.
#10 Rocket aur tharak, aadmi ko kahin bhi le jaa sakte hain.
#11 Choochiyaan aur jasbaad, jidne dabaao utne hee ubharte hain.
#12 Jhaante aur koylaa, hameshaa sulagte rahte hain.
#13 Tootee aur lauda, hamesha tadey rehtey hain.
#14 Tattey jitnaa bhi uchal lein, hameshaa laude ke neeche hee
rahtey hain.
#15 Ladki kitni bhi lambi ho, mutegi to baith ke hi.
#16 Land ko kitna bhi jhadkao, aakhri boond undi mein hi girti
hai.
#17 Chut chahe jitni bhi chodi ho jaye, marni Lund se hi padegi.
#18 Choochiyaan aur khaini, jitna ragdoge utna hi majaa ayega.
#19 Chut aur Daaru, kabhi bhee jhooti nahi hoti hain.
#20 Kutte ko mootne ke liye aur Ladki ko chudne ke liye, taang
uthani hi padti hai.
#21 Chut aur Bhut, Kismat walon ko hi milte hain.
#22 Ladki aur Audio cassete, dono side se bajaana chahiye.
#23 Exam ki taiyari mein ek ghanta aur daaru mein ek peg, hamesha
kum rahte hain.
#24 Lund aur Ghamand, dono ko kaabu mein rakhne mein hi bhalai
hai.
Resume
Name: Pakya Bhai Supariwala
Objective: To obtain a challenging position as a Crime
Implementation Analyst (CIA)
Education: MS (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for
International Smugglers and the Unlawful(VPISU),August 1996.
Thesis: "On escaping from high security prisons like
Alcatraz with minimal efforts"
CourseWork: BS (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August1994
Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and
Timer Device
Theory: International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object
Oriented Crime Design
Work Experience: *Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna,Aug
1990-Aug1991
*Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
*Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange,strawberry
and mint flavors (Patent#007,13,666)
Summer Internship: * Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan
Associates,Bombay,June 1987 - July1990
*Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style
killings.
*Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta
collections
Honors: *Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child
prodigies in crime)
* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum)
References: * Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof.,Tihar Jail,
NewDelhi
* Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, NewDelhi
* Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager,Dubai
Medical
Exams By Sardar
Once upon a time, a Surdar applied to Medical School - needless
to say he never made it - you know why ????
These R the answers he gave ...
ANTIBODY? - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
ASPHYXIA - get a "Butt Job"
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN - what you be after you be eight
BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow
COMA - punctuation mark
CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse
CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
DISLOCATION - in this place
DUODENUM - couple in jeans
ENEMA - not a friend
FALSE LABOR - pretending to work
FECES - nasty countenance
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl
GENES - blue denim
GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE - I no wait
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favour of teens
PULSE - grain
PUS - small cat
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
RUPTURE - ecstasy
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEMEN - sailors
SERUM - sailors drink
SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough
SUTURE - Gujarati for "what do you want"
TABLET - small table
TESTES - the senses experienced by the tongue
TUMOR - extra pair
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
URINE - opposite of you're out
VARICOSE - very close
VAS DEFERENS - extremely different
VEIN - at what time?
VITREOUS HUMOR - both witty & funny
STATE
of PUNJAB DRIVING LICENSE APPLICATION FORM
1 Last name: (Kaur/Singh/do not know)
2 First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Balwinder
(_) Jaswinder
(_) Surinder
(_) Joginder
(_) Maninder
(_) Dont know
3 Age: ____ ( ) Don't know
4 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure
5 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
6 Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Truck Driver
(_) Mechanic
(_) Pehelwan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
7 Spouse's Name: __________________________
8 Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
9 Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
10 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
11 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate
box)
12 Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
13 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
14 Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
15 Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
16 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) Champak
(_) Indrajal
(_) Star and style
(_) The great Punjab Dairy
(_) Blank sheets
17 How often do you bath:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Yearly
(_)Not Applicable
18 Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
19 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Manikchand
Long
Live Pakistan.......
Three cricket fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a
foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of
respect
and propriety, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it
over her right breast. The Indian fan took off his cap and placed
it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Pakistani fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted
his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Indian's cap, replaced it,
and
wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Australian cap,
replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then
lifted the Pakistani's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last
time.
The Pakistani fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What
are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking,
lifting and
looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look
under a Pakistani hat, I find an asshole."
Condoms
All The Way......
lux condoms=== filmi sitaron ki pasand
kelvinator condoms=== its the coolest one
bajaj condoms=== buland bharat ki buland tasveer
four square condoms=== live life king size
videocon condoms=== bring home the leader
philips condoms=== lets make things better
onida condoms=== neighbours envy,owners pride
pepsi condoms=== yehi hai right choice baby ....aaaha
thums up condoms=== taste the thunder - yuck
coca-cola condoms=== eat condom, sleep condom wear only coca-cola
ariel condoms=== dhundate rahe jaogaye - u mean the
condoms???????
rotomac condoms=== sab kuch dikhta hai>
wills condoms=== made for each other
servo condoms=== add servo,add life
ceat condoms=== born tough
amul condom=== a gift for someone you love
bpl condoms=== believe in the best
nike condoms=== just do it - everybody will
siemens condoms=== communication unlimited
visa condoms=== go get it
bagpiper condoms=== khub jamegi masti jab mil baitenge theen
yaar,....mein, aap... aur bagpiper condom
polo condoms=== a condom with a hole - will produce a sole with a
pole or a hole
colgate condoms=== maa-maa mere condom mey ched hai,ched nahi
beta yeh sadan hai
ajanta condoms=== pappa ka, mamma ka, bhaiya ka, didi ka aur
ajanta condom mera
nokia condoms=== connecting people
ibm condoms=== solutions for a small planet
novell condoms=== everything is connected
tata sierra condoms=== takes the rough with the smooth....
cococare condoms=== mere nani ki nani bhi yahi istemal karti thi
tcs condoms=== tata condoms services
cinthol condoms=== i use cinthol... , do you ?
fevicol condoms === fevicol ... aise jod lagaye , acchesey accha
na thode paye - dangerous
Fishing
All Day Long.........
Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the.
Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa.ladke ko angrezi aati
nahin thi, to usko manager ne reject kar diya. Ladke ne manager
se kaha, aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se
kya? aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena
nahi to hata dena. Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko
Naukari par rakh liya gaya. >Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi
sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi.
Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye
ladke se mujhe milna hai. Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha
ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho
kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. ladke ne
fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola
Rs.800/-. yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola,
itnemehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe
bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.Ab
ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi
kharid? lijiye to theek rehega,customer ne cap bhi kharid li.Ab
ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna
padega,kuchch eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer
ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge
kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh
bhi kharid li. ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.Malik bahut khush
hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho.
Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane
ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.
Ladka bola, woh aadmi to"Carefree sanitary pack"
khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega,
Machli pakad.
Give it a Thought.....
Any fool can criticize, condemn
and complain -and most fools do.
Chewing gum proves that you can have motion without progress.
Work fascinates me.I can sit and watch it all day.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
Time may be a great healer...but it sure is a lousy beautician.
You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he
came from
and starts refusing to tell you where he is going.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that
counts," probably lost.
Deft Definations.........
Smile :- A curve that can set a
lot of things straight.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated
by feminine power.
Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and woman gains her master's.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn
pursuing.
Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous
homelife.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sitto decide that nothing can be done together.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he
got caught.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.